Michelle Conaway

If your reading this post, you have probably started realizing the Public School system isn’t the place for your child.  Private school may be too expensive or just a fancy version of Public school in your mind. You may be thinking of homeschooling or you may already be following a curriculum at home that’s not working for you.  You may be feeling frustrated, alone, unsure of what to do. So…what do you do?  How do you move forward in the best interest of your child?

As you do your research key words like homeschooling, unschooling, deschooling and radical unschooling may be popping up in blogs and conversations on facebook, twitter and yahoo.  You may be feeling confused and overwhelmed by it all. Your significant other may be questioning you and asking you what you are teaching the kids.  It can be a tough time, for sure, figuring out how best your child learns.  It can feel as though your bouncing all over the place and nothing is getting accomplished.

Let’s break those key words down in to small bite sized bits and see if my explanations are of any benefit to you.

DESCHOOLING

Deschooling is a time that we get to relax.  We get to recover from all of the struggle we have probably been through in public school.  It’s a time to rediscover our kids, let our kids discover what it’s like to be at home every day and build solid relationships with each other.

Deschooling is so important.  I was told this when I brought my kids home from the public school system.  Unfortunately, I didn’t listen.  At least, not at first.

Why didn’t I deschool, you might ask?  Well, I was afraid.  Afraid that if I took the time to deschool, my kids would get behind. Time was a’wasting and if we took the time to stop and just have fun, we would have to work that much harder to catch up.  I didn’t want my boys to have to work harder.  So we went straight for the schoolbooks.

My boys didn’t need deschooling.  I needed deschooling.  I am a product of the public educations system.  My husband is.  I was well indoctrinated in that mindset.  Even though I didn’t like the way the public system functioned, I had some work to do on letting go of it. I still believed that my kids needed to be on grade level.  I still thought that it was possible to get behind in life.

So, deschooling came later for me.  After lots of stops and starts with different types of learning materials and many frustrating days with my boys, I finally surrendered and took time to deschool.

During this phase of our journey, I discovered that I had a lot of fear around learning. I began to observe that when we were playing or just hanging out, my mind would be elsewhere – worrying about how my kids might turn out.  Worrying that we were just goofing off and not being productive. I mean, who gets to sit around watching movies or Spongebob all day long?

I took this homeschooling business seriously, as I should, but I was worried I was doing it all wrong.  When we were doing school work I was frustrated and so were the boys. I was wishing it was over with.  When we were taking time off I was worried we were getting behind. I was not allowing myself to be present in any of it. I was living in my head.

I discovered that most of my fears were unfounded.  My fears stemmed from being worried about what might happen in the future.  Not about what was happing right now. My motivation for making them learn a particular thing was fueled by fear.

Deschooling helped me to become conscious of my own paradigms around learning. It gave me the space to really observe what was going on in my head and to also observe what was going on right in front of me. My kids were happy. They were building strong bonds with each other and me, their sister and their dad. They were building with legos and playing computer games. We were going to museums, having movie marathons and talking about everything. Even though we were taking month long breaks, they were learning.

You may be feeling some of the same things. What if my child isn’t reading yet?  What if they are terrible at math?  How can I take a break from school work when they’re already so behind?

Well, the answer is that you just do. Even if it feels a little uncomfortable at the time. It really does take time to adjust to everyone being home. It takes time to figure out how you will all “be” together every single day. We need space to figure out what is important to us, what’s important to our kids and what our fears are. We need to uncover what makes our kids tick and how they learn best. We need moments of introspective thought and pondering.  Deschooling is the gift we give to ourselves and our kids to gain clarity and peace of mind about where we are NOW and where we are going.

HOMESCHOOLING

This is where so many of us start when we’re coming out of the public or even private sector of learning institutions.  For whatever reason, we’ve decided that the public or private school system wasn’t working for one or more of our kids and the last straw has been had in those places.  Let’s take our kids out and away from the state mandated system where our kids have been bullied, bored, harassed by teachers, humiliated in front of their peers, overworked, underworked, stressed out or just plain fed up with it all.  Let’s bring it home and do our studies here.

This is such a great option and one that is definitely better than our current institutional systems. We figure we’ll buy the curriculum, give up our work or our free time and teach our own.  We’ll teach math, spelling, grammar, history and science through these curriculums in our “mini-school” at the kitchen table. All will be fine.  Our kids will be happier, we will be less stressed and all will be well in the world.  At least this is how I saw it when I brought my boys home.

And, this works for a lot of people.  Some kids (I hear) learn well this way.  Problem solved for those families.  Kids are happy.  You are happy.  Finally, a direction towards a more peaceful life for everyone.

But what if it isn’t working like we thought?  What if our kids don’t want to do school at all?  What if it’s like pulling teeth to get them to the kitchen table for school work?

The questions we want to ask ourselves if we feel stuck in this type of learning environment are these, Is my child at his happiest and most joyful state when we are sitting at the table doing our school work?  Is this the absolute best way for my child to learn about the world around him?  Am I, as a parent, nudging them in a direction in which my old paradigm about how learning happens is having an influence?  Are they doing the curricula to get my approval – to become what I believe they should be?

These are the questions I started asking myself when I was following the traditional homeschooling way.  My kids weren’t enjoying our “school” time.  No matter how fun I tried to make it, no matter how many field trips we built around a subject, no matter how many fun science projects and art activities I tried to throw in there, they were always looking longingly towards the things that really made them come alive.  They were doing their school work to please me, not because it brought them joy or excitement. This is what led me to intuitively start unschooling and then scouring the internet for someone – YES anyone that was feeling the same nudge as I was.

UNSCHOOLING

If you’ve felt that nudge or decided to admit that you’re children are not really thriving at the homeschooling table, you’ve probably put nose to the grindstone and started researching alternative ways yet again.

No doubt, you’ve probably come upon articles describing a philosophy coined “unschooling.”  I’ve heard it called, child-led learning, life learning, interest inspired learning and many more.

In essence, with this style of learning you allow your children to do things in life that inspire them, that make them light up, that make them excited to get up in the morning or stay up till midnight.  You as the parent are there to make suggestions, not demands.  You are there to assist in the things that they are passionate about AT THE MOMENT.  You are flexible in that you don’t force your children to “stick with something” if they want to move on. You problem solve, you talk with them a lot, you listen a lot and you facilitate.  You are not the teacher but more of a facilitator and a student as well.  You get in there with your kids and discover the world with them.

I loved this idea.  I sort of came across this philosophy on my own during my deschooling phase when I was realizing all that they were learning by watching tv, playing video games and reading comic books.  Over a period of time I came to realize that we didn’t have to have school at the kitchen table any more. We could play and have fun and still learn.

At times, I would observe that old fear of mine bubbling up and would pull out the old school books again. Those were the worst days. I literally finally had to say to myself, The Hell with it! If they don’t grow up to be anything more than loving, compassionate human beings, I don’t care. We would work it out as it came.  I was not going to spend every day of their childhood fighting with them about schoolwork. I decided to put our relationships first and handle any so called problems as they came up.

So I started researching.  I started looking for anyone in the world that might be thinking like I was. At first I couldn’t find much. But then the floodgates opened and I was amazed at the people I was finding that had been doing this for years. I was ecstatic! I read everything I could get my hands on, which wasn’t much even just a few years ago. I started looking for groups. I even started my own local group and one for Texas where I live. Slowly but surely all of the like minded people started showing up.

Unschooling might seem like a big leap. Shifting from public school to unschooling can seem impossible.  But small steps lead to bigger steps which lead to a lifetime. Unschooling is about building strong, long lasting relationships with your kids.  Its about putting aside your fears and being present and open to all of the learning that’s happening ALL of the time. It’s about trusting that your kids DO want to learn and that they learn best when learning is fueled and motivated by an interest they have.  Even a tv show can teach us something.  And eventually all of the dots begin to connect. Reading happens.  Spelling happens.  And yes! Even math happens in real life situations. When kids can apply what they learn to real life situations, it clicks.

It takes a leap of faith at first, but the rewards are astounding. To watch your child become full of life, excited to learn and happy to be able to choose what they do with their days is the most rewarding thing I have ever witnessed. Which leads me into our last key word. Radical Unschooling.

RADICAL UNSCHOOLING

Radical Unschooling, to me, is a natural progression from unschooling. When you start trusting your child more you naturally let go of needing to control him so much.

Radical unschooling is about trusting our kids to learn what they need to learn when they need to learn it. It’s about giving more freedom to them so that they can gain the skills needed to know more about how they function in the world as individuals.

I have one son that is a night owl. Even when he was in school and had to go to bed early he would lay there for hours before he could get to sleep. I allow him to stay up now until he is tired. He’s learned to listen to his body and go to bed when he’s sleepy. He’s learned that if we have to get up early to go somewhere the next day he either needs to choose to get to sleep earlier or he will be tired the next day. Yes, he’s had times when he stayed up and was tired the next day. But he’s also learned something about himself from that experience. Giving him the space to learn for himself what sleep patterns are most natural for him releases him from having to sneak around and stay up without my “permission.” It’s given him the authority over his own body to decide for himself what works best.

My kids have access to all kinds of foods. Sometimes we have what a lot of people would consider junk food in our home. My kids don’t have to ask if they can have it. They don’t have to eat their “good” food first. They are allowed to experiment with foods and how those foods make them feel. Again, Yes, they’ve had tummy aches from eating too many marshmallows or cupcakes. But, the lesson they learned for themselves was that when you eat too many of these foods you get sick.

My kids are free to tell me they stayed up till 4 a.m. or that they ate an entire bag of marshmallows without feeling as though they will get in trouble. They can come and talk to me about it. We can discuss what they did and how they might choose differently next time if they’re worried about it. Or, better yet, I’m open to hearing about the huge city they invented on Minecraft at 3 a.m. or the great book they read or the interesting video they watched. In my mind, this is building very strong relationships with my kids. It’s teaching them to listen to their own bodies, to make decisions for themselves and learn from their mistakes.

Some might feel that Radical Unschooling is just letting your kids run wild and never really getting involved in the decisions they are making. There could be nothing further from the truth. Radical unschooling involves being present with your kids, listening to them, letting the make mistakes and helping them to discover for themselves what works and what doesn’t work for them as individuals and for the family as a whole. It’s about modeling for them what it looks like to be a peaceful human being. When we are peaceful and gentle and respectful of our kids, that’s what we get back.

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Making the leap from institutionalized schooling to learning at home can be a daunting task. Do your research. Talk to others. But most importantly, listen to yourself. Listen to your kids. You have the answers within you on how best to proceed in  your own family. Trust that inner knowing. Face the fears that come up and follow your heart. And most of all, have fun and love those beautiful people that you call your kids.

Many of you probably saw the movie starring Jim Carrey called Yes Man.  While it was a hilarious movie about a guy who decides to say yes to everything and it gets him into some precarious situations, the message gave me reason to pause and ask myself – Why do I say No so often?

So many times we say no to our kids out of fear.  Fear that they’ll get hurt or that they’ll take up what we believe to be bad habits.  Fear that they’ll make us look irresponsible, not in charge or wishy-washy. Fear that they’ll turn out “bad” if we say Yes.

There’s also fear that they’ll get sick, hurt, fooled, discredited, be spoiled, rude or become unproductive members of society.  But the bottom line is that most of our no’s originate out of a perceived problem that might come about at some future point. A fear of what “might” happen.

I’ve learned to pause before I say no and in doing this I have learned so much about myself. Why am I saying no? I’ve asked myself.  What is the REAL reason I’m saying no. Can I change my No to a Yes?

My son, Cameron, wears shorts constantly.  I mean, when it’s 20 degrees outside, he wears shorts and short sleeves. And not only does he wear shorts, he will only wear a certain TYPE of shorts and they MUST be black.

He wants to wear them to formal events. To Christmas dinners at Grandparent’s house. Outside on a cold day. To birthday parties. Everywhere. I used to say No. I used to force him to change into something I thought was more appropriate.

He called me out on this one day.  “Mom, you say NO because you’re embarrassed by my shorts.  You think I’m suppose to look and act like everyone else. This is about YOU not about ME,” he said. ” You’re making me dress up because it makes YOU look good.”

At first I felt mad.  How DARE this child question my motives.

But before reacting, I took in what he said.  Could that 9 year old boy standing there be RIGHT?

I broke out laughing.  He was so right!  I saw him as an extension of myself.  I saw him as a reflection of me as a mother.  I was using him as a pawn to make myself look good.

This was a big revelation for me.  He saw it clear as day, but I had never seen how I used my children to make myself look presentable, respectable and like the good little mommy that had it all together.

After-all, I was raised in a drill sergeant manner.  I did what I was told when I was a child, lest my butt be met with the belt.

Of course, I told Cameron he was absolutely right!  I did want to look good in the eyes of relatives and friends. I wanted them to think that we were not all THAT weird (we were homeschooling after-all, which automatically put us in a “special” category with certain friends/relatives).  I wanted us to look NORMAL.

We came to an agreement. On certain occasions, I would ASK not TELL him  to change clothes. I would give him some notice so that it wouldn’t be sprung on him suddenly. I told him that if he chose to dress up, I realized he was doing this as a favor to me.  If he chose not to, well, I would observe my discomfort and try to disconnect my self-worth from how he was dressed.

So a lot of the time he would accommodate me.  When he saw that I understood this was about ME not HIM it became less of an issue.  He would change, knowing that he was doing something loving for me.

When he chose not to change clothes, I got to practice letting go.

As parents, it is so important to question why we say no and ask ourselves what would happen if that No turned into a big YES.  What would happen if I said Yes in this situation rather than no?  

When we get to the bottom of why we want to say no, we get to examine that. No longer is it an automatic response but something we are being mindful about.  In the example above, for instance, I was afraid I would be perceived as a bad mom.

But as I examined that fear, I realized how ludicrous it was.  I have such a great relationship with my kids.  We talk about everything.  They are always heard.  They are always valued.

If someone chooses to perceive that I’m a bad parent because my son is wearing shorts to a formal event or out in the cold, that’s their business. My business is to create an environment in which my kids and I have mutual respect for one another and to perhaps bring along a pair of warm pants in case he decides to change. If I wanted to wear something in particular and my husband told me to march into our room and change, it would create discord between us. Taking into account Cameron’s wishes for the clothing he wears hurts no one.  But my making demands on him hurts the relationship and takes away his right to choose what works best for him.

Our kids can be our greatest teachers in life. The things that bring joy to them are the things we get the opportunity to say Yes to. Our kids can show us our own road blocks if we are willing to examine our fears.

In our house, we have evolved to a point where the kids don’t have to ask if they can do, eat or play such and such very often. We have learned that as long as what they want doesn’t infringe on someone else’s privacy, space or property there is no reason to say no. And YES, there are times they have gotten a tummy ache from eating too much junk.  There are times they didn’t get enough sleep because they stayed up too late on the computer. These are not earth shattering events. These have all been opportunities for them to learn about themselves and what works and what doesn’t work in their own individual lives. I am here to pick them up when they fall and to help when they’ve made a decision that didn’t work for them.  I’m here to listen and  discover how they might choose differently next time. I get to hear about what they’ve learned about themselves. I get to be their partner in life, rather than their dictator.

My role in their life is not to say Yes or No.  I don’t have to be the big-know-it all in their lives. I get to encourage them to live in such a way that brings joy, passion and fun to their days. They get to take risks.  They get to make mistakes. They are encouraged to say YES to life, to follow what’s in their heart, to listen to their internal voice that always knows the way.  They are not discouraged from taking chances and “failing”, because a true winner has failed many times.

Jim Carrey met with many foibles by saying Yes to everything. But he ended up discovering what made him come alive. Can we do this in real life?  Can we give this gift to our kids?  I say YES.  Yes we can.

If your interested in the philosophy of Unschooling, there is no shortage of information on the subject these days. Thanks to revolutionaries like Anne Ohman, Sandra Dodd, Pam Laricchia, Joyce Fetteroll and many others, we have guidance and reassurance from the people who have embodied this lifestyle and taken the time to share their experiences.

I wanted to write a blog post that would link those of you who are interested in learning more about Unschooling to those who have lived it and shared about it. So here goes:

Pam Laricchia

I’ve heard Pam speak, read her books and subscribe to her email series entitled Exploring Unschooling.  Every time I read something she’s written I am inspired to try new things and ways of being with my kids.  Her website Living Joyfully has many thoughtful articles on unschooling, peaceful living and learning.  She also has links to some of Anne Ohman’s writings there.

Her email series, entitled Exploring Unschooling is a must for those of you interested in learning more about unschooling.  Pam writes both eloquently and informatively on the subject and will give you lots to think about.

She also has two books on Unschooling.  Free to Learn and Free to Live can be purchased here.  Free to Learn is available both in e-format and print and Free to Live is available only in e-format for now.  It will be in print version soon.  Both of these books can also be purchased from  Amazon.

Sandra Dodd

Has a website with topics from A to Z that will answer just about any question you have about unschooling.  All of her children are grown now, but she continues to be a strong voice in the Unschooling community.

Her website is invaluable to those new to unschooling as well as to those who have always unschooled. In addition to her articles about unschooling, she has links to unschooling groups around the world, articles by other unschoolers and a myriad of other resources for life learning families.

Her Facebook group can be found here.  There you can participate in discussions relating to unschooling, radical unschooling and life learning.

Her books, Sandra Dodd’s Big Book of Unschooling and Moving a Puddle and other essays by Sandra Dodd can be purchased here.

Joyce Fetteroll

Has a website entitled Joyfully Rejoicing.  It was the first website I found as I was researching unschooling several years ago.  What I loved the most is how she summed up unschooling.  She said, “Put the relationship first, and let everything else settle around that.”  I thought that was brilliant.  The website is awesome and will address just about any question or perceived problem you may have with the radical unschooling lifestyle.  I loved this website from the very beginning and still visit it when I need a little more inspiration or have doubt creeping into my busy mind.  You’ll want to bookmark her website and visit it when you’re having doubts.  If you have a question, most likely there is an article that addresses it.

Anne Ohman

Started Shine with Unschooling on Yahoo as a way of “Celebrating children for Exactly who they Are” .  She has been a speaker at Radical Unschooling conferences since 2002 and  is one of the most awesome human beings I’ve ever met.   Her group is peaceful, loving and supportive.  She has two brilliant always radically unschooled boys (now adults) who are doing awesome things in the world.  I’ve heard her speak in the past and her words moved me to tears.  Her views on life and her respect and honoring of ALL children had a profound influence on the way I have chosen to live my life with my children.  The Yahoo group has so many great conversations and is sure to support you every step of the way on your unschooling journey.  Her Facebook page is also called Shine with Unschooling.

Other resources:

http://daynamartin.comAn Unschooling Life

The Natural Child Project

Unschooling Gamers Group

Life Learning Magazine

Texas Unschoolers on Facebook

Blog Posts by Peter Gray of Psychology Today

Rethinking Everything Conference in Texas

The Parental Intelligence Newsletter

Life Without School

I hope some of these resources have been helpful to you.  If you know of any others that might be useful here, please contact me through the contact form on my website and I will consider adding them.