Michelle Conaway

A couple of years ago I decided to start a list of likes and dislikes. My reasoning behind this was to begin being conscious of the things in my life that didn’t serve me. So I opened up an excel spreadsheet, created two columns headed “Likes” and “Dislikes” and went about the business of writing down what I enjoyed and what I didn’t. The list was ongoing. When I was doing something I didn’t like, I would record it. Likewise for things I enjoyed.

The act of writing this list made me more conscious of what I was doing in each moment. I learned that if I could not at least accept the fact that something had to be done, it went on the dislikes list. If I could accept, enjoy, or even better be enthusiastic about something, it went on the likes list.

Over time I started noticing that the things I disliked began falling by the wayside. I either stopped doing them all together or they were removed from my life completely by some other means. I’ve put my focus on filling my life with the things that I like. I still have to do some things only because I accept that they need to be done, but I’m not fighting them anymore. And I absolutely don’t do the things I dislike.

It’s such a simple thing.Writing this list helped me become aware of how much time I spent on things I flat out didn’t like doing. Awareness is the first step towards change. When we are aware we suddenly know what needs to change and we can take the necessary steps to change it.

This new awareness not only benefits me but everyone that comes into contact with me.  When I’m happy it seems to be contagious.  And by giving myself permission to do the things I like, I am in a better position to allow others to do what they like as well. Happiness is an inside job. I’ve made it my business to get happy.  This list helped me get clear about how to allow happiness to manifest in my daily life.

I learned recently that I have been living and breathing for approximately one and a half billion seconds.

It sounds like a lot but it has taken me :

* 15 seconds to write these first three lines.

* 1 second to blink (thats about 20 blinks to write this so far)

* 60 seconds to get comfortable in my chair.

*  300 seconds to have a short conversation with one of my   kids

*  86,400 seconds to sleep, wake and do everything in   between.

Only 86,400 seconds in a day!  When you stop and think that blinking spends 1 of those seconds, 86,400 doesn’t sound like a lot.  It adds up.

I learned that I had been on this earth for one and a half billion seconds after my youngest son told me he wanted to figure out how many seconds he had been alive.  We sat down with the calculator and figured it up.  I was astonished!  I had never thought of my life as mere seconds adding up to a lifetime.

I had always thought of my life in chunks or by events or stages. Childhood, school days, marriage, children, vacations. Not in terms of seconds that made up each of those events.

It got me to thinking about how I spend my seconds here on earth.

I am either:

worrying, angry, fearful and anxiety ridden.

Or

joyful, happy and finding the beauty right under my nose.

I realized that this short life is made up of very brief moments and when we spend one, it is gone forever.  These seconds do not renew themselves.  Yes, we can choose differently in THIS moment but the second spent is already gone.  Enjoying the small things that lead up to big things is just as important as experiencing the big ones. ALL of it equals a lifetime.

How often have I spent those seconds in my head trying to analyse the world?  How many of those seconds have I spent on judging others?  How many moments have been spent trying to get to the next second?  A lot I am afraid, but I don’t feel regretful for that.  Those seconds have led to this moment, where I am free to choose again. With each blink of an eye I have a choice.

Do I see the world as a problem?  Each moment being a means to an end?

Or

Do I find all of the gifts in front of me to behold, taking in the miracle of it all?

It all comes down to the question of whether I live in fear or in joy.  With each blink, I get to choose.  We all do.

What Freedom!

Today I take my nine-year old son Cameron to the miniature golf course.  It’s  a day created twice a month to diffuse the competition between he and his little brother, Caleb.  He picks the activity.  My undivided attention is required.  It’s just Cameron, the golf clubs and me.

We choose a golf course nestled in a park, surrounded by trees, squirrels, ducks and a pond.  He is determined to get a hole in one, something he has never before achieved.  But at the first hole it takes him seven tries to get the little red ball where it needs to go.

“That makes me so mad!” he huffs.  “I’m no good at this!”

The second hole is worse.  He gets a tight look on his face and then, nine strokes later it finally goes in.

“Why did I pick this stupid game?”  His determination turns to frustration and then plain anger.

I’m getting frustrated as well, knowing that I can’t give him what he so badly wants.  We continue.  At holes three and four it only gets worse.  No hole in one, in fact not even a hole in three.

Finally, at the ninth hole, Cameron says, “Mommy, let’s just sit down for a while.  I am so mad and I think I just want to take a break.”

“Sure, this is your day!” I tell him.

We abandon our clubs on the dirt walkway and go sit under a big oak tree.   Cameron looks up at the tree and is quiet for a while.

“Mommy,” he says finally, “remember how you told me that our thoughts and our mood can affect what happens in our life?”

“Yes, honey, I remember.”

“And remember when we were driving that time, how it helped us?”

“Yes, I do.”

Cameron doesn’t say anything else and we both get lost in our own thoughts.

I’ve learned through much trial and tribulation that our thoughts always manifest something in our lives.  No matter the circumstance, we have the power to choose how to perceive it.  When my thoughts are good, my mood is good.  When my thoughts are negative, my mood reflects that. I instill these ideas into the boys’ minds in hopes of watching them grow into deliberately happy adults.

Cameron breaks the silence to remind me of the day we were driving home after a busy time of helping Pawpaw with grocery shopping and cleaning.  It was scorching hot outside and by the time we started for home, the traffic was horrific.

Cameron’s voice boomed.  “It’s hot!  I want to be home right now!  Would these cars move already?”

“We didn’t get to do anything fun!”  Caleb added.

The demeanor in the car was pure negative energy.  I wanted to be home as well.  But I knew that if I changed my attitude, things around me would begin to change.

“Hey, boys, you know what?  We always have happiness inside.  So how can we find that happiness right here and right now?”

“I’ll be happy when I am at home,” Cameron moaned.

He had missed the point.

“Yes, but we’re not home.  We’re sitting in a long line of cars at a red light,” I explained.  “We can’t change that.  What we can change is our attitude about it. Who knows?  If we do, we might just get home quicker.”

“Well . . . we get to be home schooled and don’t have to go to that boring school, Mom,” Cameron admitted reluctantly.

“I know!” said Caleb, always the clown.  “I can sing, ‘I’m so happy!  I’m so happy!’”

He started singing his happy song over and over and making silly faces in the process.   His enthusiasm was contagious and soon there were “I’m so happys” ringing out of everyone’s mouth.

Cameron was now laughing hard. “I don’t even care if the light changes.  We can sit here all day because I am happy right now!”.

“Me too!”  I chimed in.

“Me too!”  Caleb sang.

As we began to enjoy being stuck in the car, all of a sudden the traffic started moving.

“Hey guys, look!”  I exclaimed.  “The cars are moving.  I think we’re going to make this light after all.”

“Keep being happy!” Cameron was wide eyed as the cars part like the Red Sea.  “I think it’s working.”

We got through that light but the next light had turned red.

“I don’t care.  Let it turn red!  We’re gonna be happy no matter what, right Mommy?”  Cameron asked.

“Yes, sir, we are!”  I answered.

We turned on the radio and sang along.  Miraculously, the cars either moved or turned.  We had a wide-open street.  A drive that was sure to be a full forty-five minutes took us only twenty.  The boys just knew that I had revealed some kind of magic.  They couldn’t help but think they had moved the traffic with their attitudes.  They ran in to tell Daddy all about it.

Now, back under the oak tree, Cameron seems to return from some memory of his own.

“Mommy, I’ve been thinking about when we were driving and the traffic just moved and let us get home real quick.”

“Yes honey, it was amazing.”

“Well, we need to do that right now.  I AM going to get a hole in one today, but not if I get mad and frustrated.  I want to find my happy.”

I smile.

“Well, honey, how can you find your happiness right now?”  I look into his eyes.  We are connecting on some soul level, something beyond the mother/child relationship and onto something deeper and all knowing.

“I am happy to be spending time with you,” he says.  “I don’t care if I get the hole in one.  Just being out here in this great park, with a mom that is so fun, is enough for me.”

I bat back the tears that threaten to leak.  What mother would not love to hear that coming from her nine-year-old son?

“Well, let’s sing the happy song.”  I hop up and do a silly dance. !  “I’m so happy, I’m so happy!”

He gives me a sheepish grin and nods towards golf hole number ten, hinting that I not get too carried away.  We head to the pathway to retrieve our golf clubs.

“Mom, I don’t care!  I just don’t care if I get a hole in one.  I am going to have fun playing the game!”

I nod for him to go ahead and aim his club at the ball.

He grins real big, lets out a real quick “I’m so happy!” and pulls his club back.  Contact is made.  The little red ball spirals down the green, knocks into the side, and oh, it is impossible, but it goes straight into the hole.

We both begin jumping up and down and laughing.

“Mom, you are SO right!  It works, it really works!”

In that moment I realize that despite my many faults and worries as a parent, I am teaching my children something worthwhile

Cameron gets two more holes in one.  But more than those, he has realized a deep truth that will serve him well. He has learned he always has a choice about how he views his circumstances.  He can see the bad or the good.  The choice is his.   If he can remember to find his happy, I imagine he will move mountains.

For several years now I have been practicing Present Moment Awareness.  Eckhart Tolle has been a huge facilitator of this in my life along with many other present moment awareness gurus.  Meditation is another resource that can bring me back to the NOW.  If I meditate every morning, before anyone else gets up asking for stuff, I do well.  Or. . . as well as can be expected for a mom that home-schools and has her 23 year old daughter back at home.  But I try.  I really try.

I have had the great realization that NOW is the only reality.  Now is where we experience life.  But somehow I lose hold of this truth during my busy days-schooling, chauffeuring, healing, counseling, cooking, grocery shopping, taxiing kids to practice and helping out elderly parents.  Somehow, I seem to lose sight that there ever was a present moment to begin with.

Sometime in the hectic chaos of the day I will stop to notice my 5 senses (that is if I can remember what my 5 senses are).  This helps a lot when I can remember that we experience life through sight, sound, smell, touch and taste.  But a lot of the time I find that I have forgotten my 5 sense all together.  I suck the blood off of my cut finger steaming forward with the flash card drill for my oldest son.  I gulp down the breakfast as I drive my kids to this activity or that.  I tune out the beautiful song of the bird outside my window as I rush to finish the lemonade day sign for my youngest.  I don’t even notice that it is a beautiful day outside as I take down my elderly fathers grocery list over the phone.  I don’t notice the fragrant flowers growing in my back yard as I try to figure out the problem with my squash plant shriveling up.

Why is it that I can’t seem to just stop and smell the roses?  With Mommy this and Mommy that (at the same time no less) how am I to be present with each child.  They deliberately compete for my attention.  How do I stay present with each one, giving them their due full attention?

But . . . sometimes I do.  Yes, sometimes I do.  Sometimes I remember that I have 5 senses and I stop and check in with what is happening NOW in this moment.  It is bliss.  Nothing else matters in the world when I am able to do this.

My search for enlightenment is deterred at times by Mommy hood it seems.  But maybe Mommy hood is brought to me to give me practice.  When I practice this (and I have been able to for a whole day at time) everything around me seems to change.  Everyone else slows down as well.  It makes me wonder if they are just acting off of my energy.  Maybe they are looking to Mommy to gage how they should spend THEIR present moment.  When I stop and notice, stop and enjoy, stop and breath it seems that everyone else does too.

I want to do this more.  Life is richer when I am here and now.  Life is more fun when I am not thinking about my next step.  And you know what?  The next step always presents itself without my thinking about it.  It always does!  When I am living in the present, the future always takes care of itself and usually much better than I could have planned it.  It seems that things kind of rearragne themselves in order to conspire to the good for all.

Today, I plan to be here NOW.  I plan to consciously choose to be present to the life that is presenting itself NOW.  No fears about tomorrow or even later today for that matter.  To be present with me and those around me.  And to see that the children and my busy life are here to provide practice.  Practice at living my life through the five senses that provide my experience of life.  I plan to question the thoughts that arise telling me it should be anything different than as it IS NOW.  It is all perfect in this moment.  It is precious really.  Because it is the only guarantee that I have for life.  There are no guarantees that I will still be here 5 minutes from now, so I seize this moment to be present, to be happy and to enjoy what is around me and to turn my experiences, ALL of my experiences into  joy.  I can do that with my mind.  I can do that with my thinking.  And I can do that by being present to and in acceptance of what IS.