Michelle Conaway

We all crave human connection. The parent/child connection is one of the strongest of all.

But how do we really connect with our kids? Let’s explore a few ways we might tighten the bond.

 Be In The Here and Now

How many times have you found yourself thinking about your kid’s future? If you’re like most parents, it’s pretty often.  Will they be successful? Get a good job? Be in a good marriage? Develop the skills to maneuver through life’s challenges?

Many of us react to these thoughts, attempting to shape children into who we believe they should become and many times don’t even notice who they are – right now, in the present.

What if, for just a moment, we could let go of what their future might look like and be present with them right now? What kind of world could we create if we confronted our own fears and inadequacies and didn’t bequeath them to our children?

Being present with our children means being mindful of what is, today. Resisting the fact that he doesn’t like math for instance doesn’t make him better at math. Insisting that she dry those tears when she’s sad doesn’t magically make her happy. When we notice the “should” and “should not’s” that invade our thinking, we realize that our thoughts have hijacked this unique moment with our child. Perhaps instead of reacting we can ask, “If there were no tomorrow, how would I be with my child right now in this situation?”

What if our kids come with their own blueprint? Could our love and confidence in them be all they need to flourish in life? Can we have faith that what makes them tick now will lead them to the perfect tomorrow? If we challenge their every move and make demands on them because we’re caught up in their future, we lose something very precious; this moment in time, being with them just as they are. Meeting our kids today becomes an opportunity to know them and accept them here and now. It gives us a chance to embrace gratitude and discover gifts in the present. It puts laser focus on what is good today.

When we sincerely see our kids and value this day as it is, they know it. Only when we unconditionally accept them now – their thought processes, their interests, and their dislikes – are we making real connection with them. Connection builds trust. Trust establishes authentic relationship. We all want genuine relationships with our kids. And what’s more, they want it with us. Relationship now equals a future that will take care of itself.

YOUR KIDS ARE NOT A REPRESENTATION OF YOU

Every human being is born unique, with distinct thoughts, ideas, creativity, gifts and fears. We may know this, however; many of us unconsciously view our kids as extensions of ourselves.

If we disapprove of their ideas, actions or lack thereof, we are embarrassed or ashamed. We might think, “Where did I go wrong?”

If we’re proud of their ideas or actions, we tend to take a bit of credit for raising them right.  “I did good raising that one!”

Why do we do this? Why do we put so much of the focus on ourselves? In our society we tend to view our children as representations of “our” values, beliefs and goals. If our kids project the “appropriate” values, beliefs and goals, we feel we’ve done our job as a parent. If they don’t, we tend to feel that something is wrong with them or that we’ve somehow failed in our parental duties.

But what if our children were born with distinct ways of moving in the world? What if left alone with love and acceptance from us, our kids’ ideas could morph into concepts that change the world for the better? Is it possible that we’re focused on who our kids should be, rather than who they are, in an attempt to appear favorable in the eyes of society?

When we attempt to shape, form and yes, even force our children into certain behaviors or ways of thinking, they tend to shut down. They either comply with our ideals out of fear or the need for our approval or they rebel against them out of anger and confusion. We all know that fear and confusion are not the ideal emotions in which to operate our lives. And yet so many children grow up sacrificing their own unique gifts and ideas for the sake of their parents, their peers and their society. Their voice is lost to a confused world.

Our kids are not a reflection of us. It’s okay to let them explore the world and come up with their own unique style, values and goals. Our relationship grows stronger when we accept them just as they are, relieving them of the duty to project a good image of us. 

BE STILL AND LISTEN

Parents have more life experience than their children; this is true.  But do we know all there is to know about life? Can we be sure that we know what is right for another human being?

We have our perspectives to go on but the buck stops there. When we assume that we know more than our children, that we know what our children should be doing, feeling or pursuing, we cut off communication. If we know, we don’t listen. We shut ourselves off from further query.

Living in the question of life is magical. It sends the signal into the world that we are open to new perspectives, new ideas and unique problem solving techniques. When we listen to our kids, really listen, we are open. Open to the possibility that they know something about their own lives. We shut them down when we already know how or what they should be, act or pursue in life. If we open up to the possibility that they just might know more about their lives than we do, we connect with them on a deep level. We inspire them to look within rather than chase approval or direction from the outer world.

Can our kids teach us if we let them? Perhaps if we find ourselves judging our kids, we can pause and listen. Maybe instead of responding with our own knowledge we can ask open-ended questions. “What excites you about that video game, Johnny? I’d like to learn more.” or “I see that you’re angry, Sara. How can I help?” If we choose to be present and listen – put the focus on how we can assist rather than change – our child feels heard. He feels as though he has a voice and his most intimate partner, you, is listening. Open dialogue is established and the child feels empowered rather than managed and judged.

Our kids don’t need fixing. They need experienced partners in life who believe in them and value their wants, needs and desires. They need calm human beings who can empower them to find answers within. If we can’t listen honestly and openly, we negate any chance of connecting with them on that deeper level.

 

Many of us believe we have our children’s best interests at heart. We don’t want them to be hurt, fail or look stupid. We want them to thrive. But sometimes hurt and failures are the springboards to living a life filled with meaning. If we focus on the possibility that our children might be hurt or fail, we rob them of finding their true passions and their own unique voice. We cut the cord of relationship in favor of fear. Be present; envision that children are here with their own gifts to present to the world. Listen to what they have to say. True connection will be born and thrive in the parent child relationship if we only dare to let go and trust that all is well. Right here. . . Right now.

Ever have one of those days?

Tired. . .

Busy. . .

Frustrated. . .

Off kilter. . .

Ever let that tired, busy and frustrated Self take it out on your child?

Well I have. Too many times to count, I’m afraid. It may just be an, “I don’t have time to listen right now!” in a curt tone. Or, “I can’t watch you play one more  video game! I’ve got to get some work done!” in an exasperated sigh.

Or. . . not doing something I said I would do.

Or. . . being distracted, when my child really wants to share something with me.

What ever the case, I’ve learned that when I have one of these days, where everything my child wants me to look at, play or do with him seems like an insurmountable chore, it’s time to stop and follow these simple steps.

 

Step 1:  Take Care of Myself

Probably didn’t see this one coming in as number one on How to Apologize. But for me, when I can get myself calm and have compassion for myself for feeling overwhelmed or being tired, I can remember what’s important. My relationship with my child. If I try to apologize when I’m grumpy the apology seems inauthentic or forced. There’s little space for true connection. Allowing a little empathy for myself goes a long way towards making a genuine apology and my kids know the difference.

Step 2: Forgive Myself

Parenting and partnering with my children is such an important job! I want to do it right. I want to be present with them Every Single Moment. I want to see them happy and free and confident.  But some days, I’m just not feeling it. I am human after all. One of the biggest things I can do for my kids is to forgive myself when I make a mistake.  If I operate out of guilt or from a place of not being “good enough” my kids feel it. I’m back to being inauthentic and trying to gain their approval rather than just being with them for the joy and pleasure that it really is. Guilt damages the relationship, perhaps more than our orginal transgression, because it sends the signal that we’re not really worthy of being forgiven. Our kids feel responsible somehow for our underlying unhappiness, perhaps unconsciously.  When we forgive ourselves, we provide a clean slate to begin again. And our kids learn that  we are all worthy of forgiveness and deserve to start over.

Step 3:  Take Ownership

Apologize. Explain to my child that my acting out had NOTHING to do with HIM. It was all about me. I was tired or my mind was busy. My kids are 27, 13 and 11. When they were younger it seemed all I had to do was give tickles and hugs and all was forgiven. But now that they’ve gotten older, they are much more likely to internalize my words and actions  – the good and the not so good. When I’m grumpy and respond to them from my tired or overwhelmed place, I see them shrivel just a bit.  When I can communicate to them that my actions were not a response to their being bad or wrong or “too much” but rather from MY feeling out synch, it opens a door way for mutual compassion and helps them to see that we all have bad days and sometimes respond in less than loving ways.

Step 4:  Listen

Listening to my kids has been one of the best forms of apology that I can give. Sometimes my apology is not received right away. Sometimes one of my kids needs to vent about ALL the times that I didn’t live up to their expectations. This can be difficult. I mean, here I am, trying to apologize and wanting to be forgiven and I get whacked with even more of my less than perfect parenting skills. But listening provides a portal into the unseen world of my child. When I listen without being defensive or feeling guilty, I learn a whole lot about how my child sees the world. When he says, “You are always busy and never listen and never want to play with me.” I can really take that in. This is how he’s feeling, right here and right now. Rather than try and prove how RIGHT I am, reminding him of all of the times that I DID play and listen and was present, I can see from his perspective. I can validate his feelings and talk about how I might improve. This models for my child effective ways to handle conflict. It helps him to feel heard and honored and eliminates the need to internalize his feelings.

Step 5: Do Something Fun

After we talk, I always try to do something fun with them. Play a board game, a video game or go for a bike ride. This seems to dissipate some of the “drama” that has unfolded. Having fun together and replacing a good action with a not so good one, always brings laughter and silliness back into our day. It lightens the load and brings us back to what is most important. Our relationship with each other.

 

Mistakes happen. Even the most present and authentic parents have their days. But our mistakes can always turn into discoveries about ourselves and about our children. I have discovered a lot about my kids by making mistakes. They’ve learned a lot about me. Good parenting is not about never making mistakes but about being conscious of them, communicating effectively and  moving through to the other side – The joy of spending my days with the most awesome people in the world. . .my kids.

I love the Oprah Super Soul Sunday series. It’s my church service. It lifts me up and beckons me to be all that I was born to be. She is a bright shining star in my life as I know she is in many. And she has helped so many other stars to shine their light in the world. Collectively her and her guests shine as bright as the sun.

At the end of each interview, she asks her guest, “What do you know for sure?”

The older I get, the less I feel “I know for sure”. Living in the question has become my mantra. My guiding light. My insight into myself. My insight into the world of others.

Living in the question has made me a better listener. A better friend. A super mom. A truly attentive wife.

But…when I think about it, there are a few things I know. For me. For sure.

So here’s the lists. A list I will probably expand on in later posts.

Be the Change – we all want to change the world but wanting is not enough. We must first become it. No change comes until we encompass it fully ourselves. Want a peaceful world? Become peaceful yourself.

We ARE what we THINK about – When I think negatively, negative things, people and situations show up. When I think positively, the world is my oyster.

Get the Mind QUIET – Meditation is perfect for this. But so is a walk in nature. Wondering at the stars on a clear night. A beautiful piece of music. Playing with a pet.

Forgive – Myself first, then others – Negative self talk is a destroyer, not only of myself but of those around me. When I forgive myself I see my humanness which in turn helps me to see the humanness of others. When I forgive myself for being human I’m in a much better position to understand that others are also human. Forgive myself. Forgive them. That’s how it works.

Accept what IS, Right here, Right now –This was a hard one for me but has gotten easier over the years. What is – IS – what is. Resisting what IS only brings suffering. Accepting what IS opens up a world of choice. And resolution.

Make Fear, Anger, Resentment – your Friend, not your Enemy – When we try to run away from our fear, resentment or any other negative emotion, we are resisting it. When we can allow it quietly, without judgment, when we can say – “oh fear, here you are again. What have you got to say today?” it’s message is revealed. It then has freedom to communicate our blocks or a deep seeded beliefs that need rooting out.  When we’re not afraid of the negative, we allow it, we shine light on it. It only wants to be heard.  It CANNOT survive the bright light of your nonjudgmental self. Negativity is an illusion of the mind and when we can visit with it, it vaporizes into nothingness.

Be Grateful! No matter what, find something -ANYTHING – to be grateful for in each and every moment. Don’t delay this. Gratitude is the magic wand in our lives. When we are grateful for what we have, we get more of what we want. When we live in a lack mentality, we get lack…everywhere. Even if all you can find is that you can take a breath right now, it’s a start.

GIVE everything away – Your love, your confidence, your gratitude, your quietness, your forgiveness and yes your stuff. Maybe not all of your stuff but a good bit of it. It always comes back. Always.

EVERYTHING is transient – Change is happening in every moment. Get okay with this and resistance falls away and love steps in. So does acceptance.

So, I guess I know more than I thought. But living in the question is powerful. Living in the question brought me to what I DO know for sure.

Thank you Oprah for shining your light in the world. Thank you for sharing other lights with us. Thanks for reflecting my light back to me.

Wow. Just wow. I’m back. . .

It’s been a whole year since I’ve posted here. What have I been doing? Well. . .

Just trying to figure out what direction I want to go, I guess. With writing… With life… With stuff…

Been busy too – with things. . . Exciting things. Boring things. Spiritual things. Kid things. Sad things. Parent things. Creative things.

My writing career – Got published in several magazines.

Started writing a blog for a wonderful  company called Chocology.

Organized a conference for my Texas Unschoolers Group in which 200 fabulous men, women and children attended!

Spent lots of quality time with my family and friends.

Lost a step-dad.

Lost a step-mother in law.

Cleaned up my Facebook Friends list. (if you know what I mean)

Got more intentional about who I spend time with.

Connected with my creative self. Lost it. Found it again. Lost it. Found it (do any of you know what I’m talking about here?)

Just life stuff. And death. And trying to figure it all out.

But still…

The blog is something that is just mine. A place where I can share when I want – without dead lines or expectations or agendas. Kind of a public journal. Something close to my heart. Something I edit – but not too much.

So….

I think I’m back. At least for RIGHT NOW, I’m back. Don’t really know if it’s for good or just for this post.

I HAVE committed to writing. I do it . . .Every. Single. Day.  – without fail. Yep. Get up extra early (aka before anyone else), Sit at the computer no matter what. Close email and Facebook. Look at the blank screen.Allow something to come. Or nothing. But I do show up.

And yet…

Still trying to figure out where to put it all – Here – There – Everywhere?

For now, it’s here. Tomorrow it may be over there. Eventually, if I keep going, it will be everywhere.

One day at a time. One step at a time. One moment at a time.

So, hello again. So glad to be back to the blog and to all of my friends here. I would love to hear about you and what you’ve been up to. A lot happens in a year. I’m all ears.

Last night I watched a movie that was a great validation to where I am in my life right now. . . Following my Bliss. Honoring my inner voice. Watching my mind. Allowing my passion to unfold.

These things tend to come into my life at random, seemingly to coax me on and show me that I’m going in the right direction. The movie last night was called Finding Joe, based on the teachings of Joseph Campbell.

Finding Joe – Trailer V.7 from pat solomon on Vimeo.

Again tonight, seemingly by mistake, another movie showed up – a little lamp post lighting my way. This time the movie was called Discover The Gift.

 

I don’t believe in accidents. I don’t think things happen by mistake. Everything that comes to us has a gift in it. These movies were definitely a gift to me at this time in my life.

As I finish up the end of my blog post a day for the month of April I have come even further along on my writing journey. When I started this commitment through NaBloPoMo, I knew that if I could do it this month – commit to writing – Every. Single. Day. – I would prove to myself that I CAN write, that no matter how I am feeling or how busy I am, I CAN make time for what I love to do.

During the process leading up to making this commitment for April and during the process itself, I was published in two different magazines. I am feeling a great pull to finish and edit a book that I started a couple of years ago. So beginning May 1, that’s where my writing efforts will go.

All of the sign posts are there, pointing me in that direction. The publishings, the blog posts and now the movies. It seems as though the Universe is screaming loudly for me to jump, yet again, into the vast unknown. To trust in the process, to stay in tune with myself and to take small baby steps in the direction I am being called to explore.

These two movies meant a great deal to me and I am honored to share them here. Perhaps you will check them out and see if they resinate with you and where you are on your path.